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Saturday, July 7th, 2007
2:52 am - Friday Night Question
If you were to finally embrace your secret inner ninja, what would you introduce yourself as and what would be your unique ninja move?

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Friday, December 15th, 2006
8:35 pm - brewed slowly, all naturally, as they have been for over 360 years
I was dreaming last night about composing the BINGOCALYPSE. It was going to be given over a loud speaker. When I woke up and finally managed to relay this to Matt (after many attempts, as combining the words bingo and apocalypse in speech turns out to be quite a difficult thing for me) I remembered that the revolution was going to be televised, not the apocalypse. I blamed my misthought on the fact that I was in fact asleep when I was dreaming this up, quite literally in some respects.
We watched Art School Confidential today. The best part of the whole movie was definitely the outtake that John Malovich (who I'm fairly certain doesn't spell his name that way) beat the crap out of a painting and then threw it on the floor and scooted his ass along it to further drive his point home.

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8:10 pm - Shawn... with no hair... Matt felt that it must be posted...

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Friday, December 1st, 2006
7:45 pm - Bingo... Gateway drug...
SIERRA VISTA, Arizona (AP) -- A grandmother found with a trunk full of marijuana was convicted of drug running in what prosecutors said was an attempt to earn cash for a bingo habit.

State troopers found 10 bundles of pot totaling 214 pounds hidden in Leticia Villareal Garcia's car trunk last year when they stopped her outside Bisbee, in far southeastern Arizona.

Villareal, 61, told jurors before they convicted her Thursday that her only regular income was a $275 monthly welfare check, but she frequently played bingo and occasionally won thousands of dollars.

Prosecutor Doyle Johnstun said the game was Villareal's undoing.

"People who play bingo almost every night of the week end up losing in the long run," Johnstun told jurors. "The underlying issue is that she's got a bingo problem, which explains why an otherwise nice person might get sucked into something like this."

Jurors rejected Villareal's argument that she'd been tricked into carrying the drugs.

Villareal faces three to 12 years in state prison when she is sentenced December 18.

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7:40 pm - He was growing on me.
Left work to go to the gym today. I let five people out in traffic, one because I like my car in one piece. Rudely, none of them waved, even after I shook my fist at them and screamed, "Why no wave??!?! So wrong!!!!" One of the people I let out tried to get in the next lane over, but their hopes were dashed. Secretly, I knew it was all vindication for my lack of wave. The guy behind me had a great beard that was wider than his head and looked vaguely like those fake beards that are always partially falling off of people in various comedic things. He didn't seem to be fully aware of the impressiveness of his beard, but I was unfortunately in no position to advise him of this.
The gym was fairly festive. I had been a bit of a slack all week because I had contracted some sort of pox on Mondayish. I did have a fever of 100, which while sucking, did make me feel like I had some concrete proof of my pox. Whenever I'm ill and don't have a fever I often feel as if I'm just being a rather large baby. Saw Becky at the gym. She looks fabulous.
Left the gym and queued up to rejoin the wonder of traffic. Managed to be positioned in such a way as to shine my headlights directly in to some woman's car. Dimmed my lights much to said woman and her passenger's delight and they made several joyous motions. Got let out fairly quickly and waved heaps, as all people should when they have been let out. Returned the favor and was greeted with appropriate waves. Bumped my way down Monroe and as I was waiting to turn left noticed some man staring at me from the car next to mine. He seemed quite cross with me, but I'm not entirely sure why. He was from South Carolina, but I'm not aware that I have wronged South Carolina in any way. It's possible he didn't like my, "The Higher the Hair the Closer to God" bumper sticker. I suppose it will be a great mystery...

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
7:51 pm - She took it, she took it, my little yellow basket...
Hrm... I've been a bit of a sod since April in terms of doing absolutely anything LJ related. Dear god... It just autosaved and I've been typing less than a minute. I expect that the wonders will not shortly cease. Since I just posted a plea for money I figured I should probably also update this thing and say, "Hi," or something along those lines... I just dumped out the left over dirt from all my plants from last year (yes, I know it's March and planted-porch-things haven't really done any growing around me since October, if I was lucky). One of the pots had sweet potato vines in it. Somewhat shockingly, I dumped out the dirt and found sweet potatoes. I suppose it's a pretty logical thing to happen, but it was still something that made me cock my head to the side and wonder why these things that looked vaguely like fetus pods were hanging out in my pot. I waited for them to uncurl themselves and do some sort of jig. I then realized they were sweet potatoes and continued to wait to be entertained by dance. After no luck on the dancing front I harvested. Luckily, I was already rather dirty from dumping out other pots so the newly reaped vegetables didn't revolt, recognizing my lack of farmer creditentials. I then called my mum and asked, "IS IT SAFE??" Happily, I have one of those mums that I can act like a complete dumbass about things and ask her questions and she will happily help me out. I suppose as I don't dispose of toxic items on my porch it's a pretty safe bet that it would be okay to consume. Hopefully, I can make something with them tomorrow night and everything will be splendidly yummy and I won't turn into a dirty pot festering fetus pod.

So yeah, I'm walking over 60 miles in three days in October... Instead of going to beer fest. I do wish they weren't the same weekend. Doing one instead of the other seems to put some kind of straight edge righteousness to it. Instead of just being a very cool, if not incredibly challenging, thing to do in hopes that it won't be something that needs to be funded in the future. I'm thinking of dying my hair pink again for the walk. Or getting Heather to put in pink extensions...

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7:38 pm - Bucks for Boobs
Breasts. Bosoms. Titties. Melons. Orbs. Maracas. Jubes. Angel Cakes. El Primo Torpedos. Jugs. Frontal Female Water Wings. Moo Moos. Quantum Heaps. Tracts of Land. Barbettes. Milk Cans. Bazooms. Abbott and Costello. The Boston Wobbelers.

Throughout the ages Gazongas have been revered for their comforting pillow-like qualities and enticingly attractive cush. Both women and men alike have designed various methods to boost them and round them, fluff them and present them. Bazookas are wonderful things. They're inviting, soft, and often remind people of jell-o. As we all know, there's always room for jell-o.

This year 200,000 pairs of knockers will be diagnosed with cancer. 40,000 pairs will die from the disease. In an effort to save love lumps everywhere I am going to walk and raise money for the Breast Cancer 3-day. This is a walk thousands of people participate in to walk over 60 miles through the course of three days. Each person is required to raise, at minimum, $2200 to benefit the Susan G. Komen Foundation whose mission is four-prong in research, education, screening and treatment. More money raised, more magnificent pontoons of love.

Please visit my personal fundraising page and donate online so Bedtime Beach Balls will be safe and healthy for everyone.


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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
8:32 am - Meow.
The birds are sacrificing themselves to Thurston. One killed itself against our windows last night. We disposed of the body (much to Thurston's horror as she wanted to gnaw on it and beat it about as she rightfully should have been able to had we not thought the newly deceased poultry was more than likely diseased and not right in the head. One bird did a fly-by this morning, screaching the entire way and swooping down low enough for Thurston to nab the whitless entree. Happily, we did not have to deal with more carnage. I think they're having a meeting right now to determine who would be best suited for the next sacrafice.

It's Bradley's birthday. (Yea Bradley!) We should go out and celebrate accordingly. Plus as we all know, nothing is better suited for a person just getting over a sickness than the germ killing power of alcohol.

I'm going to go get some breakfast as I'm up this early after sleeping 11 hours and I understand that Whole Foods still has decent breakfast food at this hour.

current mood: Still slightly poxy

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Friday, October 1st, 2004
5:06 pm - Nothing like kielbasa
I have a hole in my boot. The kind of un-ignorable hole that resoling can't cure. A hole that will not allow me to happily splash in puddles with dry feet. Or at least with a dry right foot. A hole in the toe-crease on the top. I've had these boots longer than I've known many close friends. I believe I've actually had these boots longer than I've known anyone who would potentially be reading this.

It's a sad, sad day in the world of boot-dom.

Dear god. I can make a post by phone? It's evidently been a long time since I got around to rambling something here. That just seems all around unnecessary. There are reason why paper and writing utencils were created. Or even writing utencils that will work on arms. Woo... I am digging on this whole user picture icon preview thing. I can scroll through all my lovely pictures until I find the exact image that defines my ramble in perfection. Which actually makes me realize that I should update those... Curses... Ah well, invariably I'll see something shiny in mere moments and the responsibilities of LiveJornal will pass from me as effortlessly as they arrived.

Four and a half layers of hell should be raised tonight. Won't you join me?

current mood: thirsty

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Thursday, August 26th, 2004
2:13 pm - How did you feel being denied these hungry... hungry... hippos?
The director's cut of Donnie Darko is playing at the Plaza this weekend.

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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
1:47 pm - Moo-rtis the death cow...
It's my brother's birthday today. Conveniently, it's also my father's birthday and my half birthday. It seems that my parents at one time only got exceptionally horny and fertile at two points in the year. One of these points seemed to be shared by my father's parents and possibly the horn-gene flows on my mum's side as well as I have both a cousin and a second cousin that share my birthday on her side. The shorter reason for people being born around my birthday is because of the existence of the Lusty Month of May. August is evidently the born-ing-est month of the year. I suppose that whole cold Holiday season thing is sometimes even more lusty than that of May.

So anyway, I called my brother to wish him happy aging and all that rot and found that he and Dorothy (happy girlfriend) had already started to talk smack about me being a deficient sister for not calling him on his birthday. I suppose at 37 one expects morning Birthday calls. I'll keep that in mind and warn people appropriately. Through the course of our conversation we decided that it was much cooler to have a kitschy-obsession with Cher than Pamela Anderson. We also then decided that Pamela Anderson should date Mortis (not the wrestler, the Nowegian death metal god) as they probably have far much more in common than not. It was only then a very short step to the realization that Pamela Anderson and Mortis are the same person, as well, we've never seen them in the same room together.

So I was (poorly) looking through old LJ posts to see if I could find Mortis' website, and coming up rather empty handed. Not-so-random internet searches produced this which I think is downright brilliant. I'll just have to look harder...

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Thursday, July 15th, 2004
3:30 pm - Moo
The exact date seems a bit debated, but today (or yesterday, or Saturday, or Sunday, or Monday) is Cow Appreciation Day. Many also consider one of these days to be Shark Awareness Day. The close proximity is from long, long ago when a rare, but friendly breed of cow got annoyed and spontaneously evolved into a shark.

Happily, Chris stepped in and saved the day. I am no longer cow deficient.

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
4:37 pm - I saw a chicken with two heads
I received an e-mail today from a co-worker about this hoax. She actually had it forwarded to my department. I responded to all and directed everyone to the afore mentioned Snopes website (which by the way quoted the e-mail she sent out). Several hours later she implied that the information on Snopes was not trustworthy and probably based solely on speculation, as the e-mail that she received was from some director. They must be right. I believe she is now composing an e-mail to my department instructing everyone, in a no doubt bitchy manner, that it is better to be safe than sorry. I would like to ask her what part of a received cell phone call would actually generate a spark to ignite a gas pump, but I'm afraid that she would actually talk to me. Mind you, this is the same person I was whinging about previously with the annoying voice. Sooner or later I'm sure that I'll be able to take her out to the pasture and have her shot.

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Friday, July 9th, 2004
1:01 pm - The islands of Phoenix in 2016...
I have found that I often don't like people with loud and annoying voices. "Don't like" often means that I would like to peg sharp pointy objects at these people and have said objects imbed themselves in particularly painful manners. I'm not entirely sure if I always recognize people as having loudly annoying voices until I already find them annoying or disagreeable with my happiness for whatever reason. I just think that if one has the unfortunate fortune to have a bit of a grating voice, there is no reason to be overly public about said voice. Just settle down and remember that there is no need to shout. It's all rather silly, as I know I can be loud on occasion and I'm sure that at least five and a half people find my voice particularly annoying.

I'd like to think that my special brand of procrastination has been brought to me today by an individual with a voice as described above. I don't think that I should be able to hear every word that someone across the room is saying. Especially if they are not talking to me and are on the phone and not having any kind of excitable conversation. I thought about jumping on my desk and firing a pretend machine gun very loudly at her, but unfortunately people find loud talking more socially acceptable than fake machine gun attacks. It also troubles me that this woman sounds like one of the Harlem Globetrotters that was in the Scooby Doo cartoons. The Globetrotter who always sounded like he was always quite stoned and about to ask for Fritios. This is definitely a large step up from the woman who used to sit near me who sounded like a very loud Edith Bunker, but really the most preferred would be no annoying loud voices at all. Eh... I suppose I'm just being a baby, and I'll get the hell over it. Or just go somewhere else.

I wrote Ben & Jerry's this morning and told them that they should bring back Bovinity Divinity. They asked why. I told them -

It was filled with chocolate cows! The brilliance of that should not need explanation, but I will try anyway. Bovinity Divinity was a perfect mix of childhood abandon where one could pretend that they were the big nasty giant eating all the poor defenseless cows, and adult sinfulness as one could spoil themselves with the heavenly indulgence of dark and white chocolate cow-pucks. All other ice creams should be so lucky as to be bestowed with such greatness.

That makes me want to get out my plastic barnyard animal collection or actually put together my Visible Cow. Which reminds me that I need to call Jen. She was the clever one who gave me those presents of wonder. I wonder if Thurston will play the evil giant hell beast who viciously attacks the poor unsuspecting plastic livestock.

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12:50 pm
How did you feel being denied these hungry, hungry hippos?

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Friday, June 18th, 2004
10:10 am - Argh and such...
Does anyone have two Skinny Puppy tickets that they would like to sell me for a reasonable price?

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Thursday, June 10th, 2004
3:11 pm - Let's Go Shopping
Come on kids!
It's time for everyone's favorite game, "Sure! Math Can Be Fun For Everyone!"
Henry likes apples, and is quite manic about keeping account of all of his precious orbs of goodness. While he loves every apple, he feels that some apples are not quite as stunning as other apples. The less attractive varieties are free to frolic among the masses as Henry hordes his uber apples. Henry has twenty-nine apples and sends them off with his minions, Billy and Mandy, to have them properly tended to. After washing, polishing, shining, and complimenting, Billy and Mandy bring Henry's twenty-nine apples back to him. Henry carefully examines each apple and soon decides that two of them are icky and should not associate with the other superior apples. Disgusted, he sends Billy and Mandy off with all of the apples to deal with the issue. Billy and Mandy go outside to throw the offending apples at some passing cars and go back inside. Billy and Mandy re-wash, polish, shine and compliment the remaining apples and bring them back to Henry.
Do you think Henry will do his Happy Apple Waltz O' Joy if Billy and Mandy bring back twenty-four apples?
What about if they bring back twenty-four apples, but tell Henry that they have brought him twenty-five?

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
2:23 pm - and it still knows how to pound...
I'm beginning to strongly suspect that Yahoo hates me. I now realize that I always just thought of Yahoo as an inanimate object that could hold no potential ill will towards, well, anyone. Now I recognize my mistake. It just lured me in with its flashy games and assurances that it would hold as many pictures as I wished it to hold for as long as my little heart desired.
Mind you, my pictures are still there. It just won't let me update the album. I suppose it's just trying to tell me that the existing album is complete and perfect just the way it is, and I should really just move on to other album endeavors. It is also quite possible that I just haven't quite figured out the secret squirrel manner to manipulate the new features they have, but I prefer to just come to terms with the fact that Yahoo has viciously fooled me. I might look into to promising it baked goods or beer or backgammon and see if it submits to my whims...

I was in the lunch room of limited reward this morning and a man came up to me and said, "Hey there stranger." I did not recognize this man, but realized that he was appropriately greeting me so I returned his salutation with a wave and some sort of grunt-like hello. I might try meeting new people that way...

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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
5:22 am
It's really amazing what happens when you don't read LJ for quite some time...
It's also amazing the things that I don't have any everyday knowledge of that I still find myself wondering after (orobouros, kilgore_trout. etc...) once I pick up the LJ bug...
Well... I have been boring. I have been boring in that I kinda like my job. I work crazy mad too much, but I like my job and I stay there crazy too long, but christ it's treating me well and I'm digging it and all that rot. So it goes well.
So.. yes... And as such...
This is unfortunately painfully boring.
I apologize for even posting it.
Please pass along your merry little vaguely cow-like ways...
Not to call any of you cows, just to say that some for some reaon like to mention cows like me...
Because as you all should know at that the very least, cows provide the basic of entertanment.

Anyway, as I'm evidently not doing too much glory to the wonderful world of LJ, why not e-mail me and tell me how much you're senselesslessly dizzying. Give me senseless joy here. Give me everyone one's botersome antics really. I want senseless joy.

Finally, I do apologize for any grammatical and spelling mistakes. I should know beter right now, but I have abandoned such grammar and spelling rules. As such, I rare. Please moveon.

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Friday, December 5th, 2003
2:26 pm - You'll have the power to give people pain.
I went to the mall today during lunch with my mum. Work had decided that everyone should bring ridiculously large amounts of food so people could cultivate their gorging skills. As such I was not needing much in the way of lunch at lunchtime. So we trounced off to the mall in an effort to get my mum something to eat, and then participate in some shopping activities. I typically enjoy avoiding the mall with a rabid passion, but as Christmas is coming soon I feel as if I should buy things so my friends and family can receive things from me. Unfortunately, my construction paper skills are not what they once were, so people look at me funny if they receive a festive construction paper collage. Admittedly, I'd look at me funny too, but only because I find decorative crafts intellectually offensive (unless of course they can be used as weapons, but well, then they're not just decorative crafts).
So anyway, we went in to Bloomingdales because it was right there and I think New York City had come up when we were on our way to the mall (among other things that I plan on living there at some point in my life... I decided against professing that I always wanted to live there, and more decisively stated that I plan on doing as much). We went down to the ridiculously overpriced cafe-thing located in the basement named 56th and Lex or something along those lines. The cafe had a silly rope thing in front of it like they use to herd people or show people that they might not actually get to where they want to go because of said silly rope thing. Some high strung man was standing just behind the afore mentioned silly rope, holding a clip board or something equivalent. We approached and he confirmed our dining intentions, which sent him into a frenzy of worried looks around the tiny-ass cafe I suppose to find where best to seat us. We were then carted off to the back corner with the sizely round table because we were either rock stars, or needed to be hidden. Service was... slowly lacking, but that might have had something to do with the fact that I professed quite loudly that our waitress was not very useful once she left our table (her response to my question of the size of the soup bowl was, "You know... Bowl sized..."). There was an older couple three tables away from us, and my mum pointed out that the woman had these fluff balls over the tops of her ears. We couldn't quite figure out whether it was her hair, she had ear-muffs on, or maybe they were fluffy hearing-aids. I decided that they must be the female equivalent of chops.
As we left the mall (after accomplishing absolutely no shopping) the fire alarm went off. Lenox mall needs Pete to beat them all into shape. Or maybe just beat them.
Tomorrow I go to the dentist. Blaaaaaaagh. Hopefully SDM has sought other employment opportunities, and the intelligence level of the secretarial pool (or whatever they would be called) has skyrocketed.

current mood: amused

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